NATIONWIDE — The annual January white belt migration has begun, sources confirmed Monday, as gyms across the country reported an influx of brand-new students wearing ill-fitting loaner gis, asking how long it takes to get a black belt, and standing in the exact center of the mat during warmups.
“It happens every January,” said one purple belt, who asked not to be identified because he has already called out sick for the next three weeks. “You come in, there’s seventeen white belts doing breakfalls into each other. Someone asks if we do sparring on the first day. One of them is already wearing a rash guard with a skull on it. You know what you’re dealing with.”
Head instructor Marcus Pfeifer confirmed that enrollment is up 340 percent since January 2, which he described as “great for the gym” and “personally, very tiring.”
The new students, who gym regulars have begun referring to collectively as “the Resolution,” share several distinguishing characteristics: they paid for a full year upfront, they have watched approximately forty hours of Gordon Ryan footage, and they cannot yet perform a proper forward roll without creating a five-body pileup.
“My guy tried to pull guard on a stack of folded crash pads,” said one blue belt. “I don’t know how to explain how he got into that position.”
Veteran students have responded by moving all rolling sessions to the 6 AM class, which the new members are physiologically incapable of attending.
By March, analysts predict the mat will be back to its usual twelve regulars, three of the new white belts will have quit, six will have purchased a $400 instructional, two will have gotten injured during a drill they were warned not to go hard on, and one — exactly one — will turn out to be actually good.
Nobody knows which one yet. That’s the fun part.
The Porra is a satire publication. All characters, gyms, and belt color migrations depicted herein are fictional.