You tried getting them something normal last year. A sweater. A book about something other than triangles. They smiled and said thank you and you could tell they were dead inside. This year, just lean in. Here is what they actually want.
A gi they will wear exactly once before deciding the collar shrunk Any gi over $150 with a Japanese name and a vague philosophy printed on the bag. They will machine-wash it on warm and be surprised. Do not get them a $90 gi. They will know.
An instructional they will watch 40% of BJJ Fanatics gift cards are available in denominations up to $200. They will use it to buy a 12-volume series on leg locks or the back system, watch through Volume 3, and describe themselves as “deep in a study phase” at the gym for the next four months. Volume 4 will never happen.
Cauliflower ear drainage kit This is a real product. They have googled it. They are waiting for someone to buy it for them so they can pretend they didn’t want it.
A “rest day” they won’t use Frame a piece of paper that says “This entitles you to one day off from the gym.” Funny, harmless, and they will ignore it. They trained yesterday. They are training tomorrow. Rest days are a myth they discuss on podcasts.
Tape Just tape. Athletic tape in bulk. A pack of 24 rolls. They will act like you bought them a car.
A framed photo of John Danaher with an inspirational quote The quote can be real or fictional. They will not know the difference. They will hang it above their desk and their spouse will ask who that bald man in a rash guard is and they will say “someone important.”
You could also just ask them what they want. They will say “nothing.” Then show them this list. They will say “any of those, honestly, all of those, the tape especially.”
Happy holidays. Try not to get choked.
Satire. The Porra is a fictional news outlet. None of this is real.