CHICAGO, IL — An open mat session at Northside Submission Fighting was suspended Saturday afternoon following a unanimous informal vote by fourteen training partners to end early, sources confirm. The vote, which occurred without a formal call or show of hands, was described by witnesses as “just something that happened” roughly twelve minutes after Michael Tanaka, 31, began warming up.
Tanaka arrived at 11:08 a.m. wearing a gi that multiple attendees struggled to characterize. “It smelled like a gym bag had a gym bag,” said one participant, who completed two warm-up laps before moving to an area near the exit. “And then that gym bag trained hard for a year.”
Head coach Pete Elmore was not present for the incident, having arrived fifteen minutes after the mat had been vacated. Upon reviewing the situation, he declined to comment on record but was observed opening both exterior doors, the emergency exit, and a window that had reportedly not been opened since the space was renovated in 2019.
Fellow members confirmed that Tanaka, a purple belt and three-year member in otherwise good standing, had previously been the subject of informal discussions. A casual working group had reportedly prepared a short list of talking points, which no one had delivered. “It’s a delicate thing,” said one brown belt. “You don’t want to be the guy.”
Tanaka, reached by phone Sunday, said he was unaware of the issue and that his gi “probably just needs a longer soak.” He confirmed he had been using a laundry schedule of “every two, maybe three sessions” and noted that vinegar “kind of smells too.” He expressed interest in attending next week’s open mat and asked if anyone wanted to drill standing guard passes.
The gym’s laundry policy has since been updated.
This article is satire. The Porra is a fictional publication. Wash your gi. Every time. You know who you are.