COLUMBUS, OH — Area competitor Derek Linden, 37, spent 36 hours systematically removing 14 pounds from his body via a protocol he described as “science-based” and his wife described as “genuinely alarming,” only to discover at Saturday’s weigh-in that the Masters 2 middleweight division had been combined with light heavyweight and medium heavyweight due to low registration.
His first-round opponent weighed 215 and brought a camping chair.
Linden’s weight cut began Thursday evening with the elimination of all carbohydrates, sodium, and — by Friday morning — water. His 36-hour timeline, reconstructed from text messages to his training partner:
Thursday, 6:14 PM: “Starting the cut. Feeling good. This is the one.”
Thursday, 11:47 PM: “Down 4 lbs. Epsom salt bath. Watching YouTube videos about osmotic gradients.”
Friday, 7:02 AM: Photographed himself spitting into a Poland Spring bottle at his desk at Mutual Fidelity Insurance. Caption: “Sacrifice.”
Friday, 2:18 PM: “Sauna session 2. Guy next to me asked if I was okay. I told him I compete.”
Friday, 9:33 PM: “7 more ounces. Putting on three hoodies and doing jumping jacks in the garage. Kids are scared.”
Saturday, 6:41 AM: “Made weight. 181.4. Let’s go.”
Saturday, 7:12 AM: “Wait.”
The “wait” referred to a laminated bracket sheet taped to a folding table near the bleachers, on which the Masters 2 middleweight, light heavyweight, and medium heavyweight divisions had been consolidated into a single three-man bracket under the heading “Masters 2 Combined.”
Linden’s opponent, a man identified only as “Big Pat” on the bracket sheet, had registered at medium heavyweight, did not cut, and was eating a breakfast burrito when Linden approached the warm-up area. Pat’s weight cut preparation, by his own account, consisted of “not having seconds at dinner last night.”
“I saw the bracket and my vision went a little gray,” Linden told reporters. “I thought it was the dehydration. Turns out it was just the bracket.”
The match lasted four minutes and twelve seconds. Pat secured a takedown in the first thirty seconds, advanced to mount by minute two, and spent the remaining time applying what Linden’s corner described as “patient pressure” and what Linden described as “being crushed by a man who ate breakfast.”
Final score: 9-0.
Linden’s corner advice between rounds consisted of a single directive: “Just be faster.”
“I was faster,” Linden said afterward, still wearing his competition rash guard in the parking lot. “I was faster to the bracket sheet. I was faster reading it. I was faster processing the five stages of grief. I was not faster in any way that mattered during the match.”
The third competitor in the combined bracket, a light heavyweight named Garrett, did not show up. Tournament officials confirmed Garrett had registered four weeks ago, paid the $95 entry fee, and texted the promoter at 6:58 AM Saturday morning with the message: “Something came up.”
Linden received silver.
The entry fee, per the registration confirmation Linden showed reporters on his phone, is non-refundable. So is the $74 early-bird rate he paid for next month’s Capital City Open, where he has registered at welterweight.
“Different weight class,” he said. “Different tournament. Different outcome.”
He then asked if anyone had a granola bar.
Big Pat, reached for comment, said he had “a great time” and that the bracket “worked out perfect.” He is not registered for the Capital City Open. He described his training camp as “I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays when my wife has book club.”