TAMPA, FL — Demarco Williams, a professional boxer ranked 12th at junior welterweight by the WBO and currently campaigning for a title shot, attended his first Brazilian jiu-jitsu class Tuesday evening at Tampa Submission Co. He was there for fifty-eight minutes. He did not go to the ground once.
“I do not go to the ground,” Williams told instructor Miguel Vargas during the warmup, when light jogging transitioned to a drill that involved, briefly, a forward roll. “That’s not where I live.”
Vargas, a third-degree black belt with fifteen years of teaching experience, said it was the most professionally stated refusal he had encountered in recent memory.
Williams participated enthusiastically in the standing portions of the class, which amounted to approximately nine minutes: the pummeling drill, a single-leg defense that ends in a sprawl (Williams declined the sprawl), and a collar tie entry (Williams said he preferred a jab to a collar tie and was not incorrect). He showed genuine interest in the distance management concepts and at one point told a blue belt that he had “basically been doing jiu-jitsu for years” while pointing at his footwork.
When the class moved to guard passing, Williams positioned himself against the wall and began shadowboxing at a volume that suggested he was working through something. When a white belt asked if he wanted to partner up for drilling, Williams looked at the mat, looked at the white belt, and said, “What happens if I need to stand up.”
The white belt said he could stand up.
Williams considered this for a moment. “But then what?”
He was never able to resolve this philosophically.
During the live rolling portion, Williams stood in his corner of the mat with his hands up in a textbook Philly shell, a stance so technically correct that two purple belts paused their own roll to briefly admire it. He was taken down once, accidentally, by a blue belt who slipped while shooting a shot and grabbed Williams by the waist on the way down. Williams was on the ground for approximately one second before returning to his feet. He does not count this.
After class, Williams told Vargas he thought jiu-jitsu was “interesting” and asked if there was a version of the class that stayed standing the whole time. Vargas said that was boxing. Williams said he knew, and that maybe the next class could just have more of that. Vargas gave him a schedule.
He booked a private lesson for next Tuesday. The invoice specifies “stand-up work only.” Vargas has not corrected this.
This article is satire. The Porra is a fictional publication. We have enormous respect for boxers, who have chosen the objectively worse grappling plan and are sticking with it.