PORTLAND, OR — First-time visitor Daniel Cho arrived at Apex Jiu-Jitsu Monday night expecting, based on the gym’s website, a “welcoming environment for all experience levels.” He was paired to drill with a 2019 IBJJF masters world champion who spent the next forty-five minutes politely explaining why everything Daniel was doing was wrong.
“The website said beginner friendly,” said Cho, 31, who is considering a different hobby. “There were four black belts in a class of nine people. One of them has a podcast. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t a man who personally trained under Rickson Gracie telling me my posture in closed guard was ‘philosophically incorrect.’”
Head coach Thiago Vasconcelos confirmed that the Monday class is technically open to all levels, and that the presence of black belts is actually “a huge benefit for beginners.”
“They learn so much faster when they’re training with people who are really, really good,” said Vasconcelos. “It’s an accelerated learning environment.”
The accelerated learning Daniel experienced included being submitted eleven times in twenty-five minutes, being told his elbow was in the wrong place for a collar grip he did not know he was attempting, and receiving detailed feedback on a hip escape he was executing correctly but “with bad intention.”
Two of the four black belts are coaches at the gym who stay for the class because they have nowhere else to be on Monday nights. The third is a visiting brown-belt-turned-black-belt who drove forty minutes to use the mats. The fourth — the one who trained with Rickson — just shows up. Nobody is sure why. Nobody asks.
The class description on the website has not been updated since 2019. It still features a stock photo of two people in white gis smiling at each other.
Daniel has not returned. In his Google review, he gave it four stars because “the instructor was nice about it.”
The Porra is a satire publication. Any resemblance to your actual Monday class is a you problem.